And a year has flown away since the last post! And here I am again. Things are repeating again. History is repeating. I am the exact definition of Eisntein's definition for insanity: doing things the same way again and again and expecting things to change. Sheer madness. What exactly do I want to change here? Not many I things. But there is one predicament that becoming my shadow for quite sometime already. I dont know how to face it. I am just avoiding to face it. Fearing tempering would make things worse. Yes, I do believe some how we're given a problem because we can face it. Maybe God wants me to face my fears and get over it for once! I am scared. I cant really tell anyone about it. I dont know how to. All i know is, nightmare is back. But that's alright, we're all going back home. And I have a new start. I think this place is cursed. Was my mistake that huge before till I have to carry the burden till now as a punishment? Yet my accomplice has yet to face the same punishment. Yes I made someone hurt very badly before. Before of what I have done, I lack in trust. But what do i trust? I trusted too much and at the end of the day, I am back in square one like now. That person is doing it again! What an I do? Nothing. I just try to be a good person. Patient. Just let that person be then.

I have tried my all. It is very painful. I want to be happy again. Forgetting how it felt to be happy. But I don't know where to start. Do not tell me i havent done my best. I have done my all, draining my soul to fix this. But i cant force things that are not meant to be. I have to just accept. How can i trust you again? You promised not to repeat history and make me sad. But.

Courage does not roar,

Sometimes courage is a quiet voice ,

at the end of the day saying.

"I will try again tomorrow"

I will try. Try change in path. Treat myself with more respect. Because we all deserve to be treated with respect.

You dont go take something from me and throw it at my face. What's wrong with you???! Human for heart right?can think. Take and throw back. I hope one day you feel same thing too. And maybe learn never do that to anyone anymore. Maybe now, you not matured enough to think what you did.

What makes us happy? What is being happy? What is it to be a happy person? Definition anyone? I think for me, I am happy if I don't have to worry about anything at all. At peace. I think it's all in the mindset. Surely everyone has things to be worried of. Maybe its how you appreciate what we have? Now am I happy? For sure a simple question I find it hard to answer.I am fine. I am not sad. I have accepted what's around me. But it's that wrong to accept that things are just like that and can't be better to make ourselves happy? I think everyone should be happy and it's their right to be happy. Surely you ask, why so hard to be happy? I happy felt so for quite some time already. These few years given me things to worry one day another. If not one thing another thing. For once, I want to be at peace. My happiness I don't feel is at my hand anymore. It's at someone else's hand. And anything can happen anytime. I know the outcome. But why so stupid want to stick to the path of just okay? Because at least i'm okay and not sad right? Safer i guess. I know, if i choose to fight for my happiness, the journey wont be great. It would be awful. And I am not strong enough to do that. Somethings easier said than done. Maybe one day, if time is right, I will have my peace again. Start a happier life. at now, im just at the safe area. I accept for now, i cant have anything more. Maybe things will improve. Just dont think so much. Live one day at once. Never think of tomorrow. Live at the moment. dont think of later. And think of the other wonderful things in life we appreciate and most importantly those who appreciate us. Yes happiness needs to be fought for. No pain no gain right? I remember how it was like to be content once. Bliss. Storms will go at one point. And we will survive through it. And no matter what we will be okay. Be a better person.

Now reaching the end of my internal medicine department. I don't know a lot. But I think I have grown more personal sense than brain wise. Still blur on being a doctor. But its alright, i think everyone experiences same thing in the beginning. I hope to be better everyday. About people? Well learn to mind my own business. It's okay, cant make everyone happy. Recently have become anti social. I just feel doing my own stuff. Well for now. Just some people are scary. And have lost some trust. I am not perfect too. Anyways, just prefer be alone.

Saya Dokter Muda!

Got my name tag already!!!Cute or not?

Responsi's time table and topics

3rd day of koas.

Note:

Study hard.

Time management is important. Work hard, but have enough rest. So don't get sick. Proper supplements is important. When you're sick, brain slows down, get very tired very fast too. I got so easy department already so worn out on 3rd day.

Must know how to divide between personal life and work life. We're dealing with people. Don't be stupid and screw up.

I see a lot of doctors treat patients like case studies. They are not. I feel shouldn't be like this. They are not case studies. Treat them as if you are treating own family. Be as determined.

Motivation is important. Remember what is the main purpose. To help. It's an honourable thing. And we should always do our best.

Do not depend on anyone. Be independent. Rather disappointed in this. Maybe because i depend on a friend. Always thought no matter what, this friend will make me feel better. I always want to same for that friend. Sometimes things don't go like how we want to. And then some promises are meant to be broken. People change. What to do right? But not matter what. THink positive. Tiredness can make people like that. Practice understanding is important. Understanding that your friend is tired, dont complain so much and don't expect too much too. Everyone is different. I am different.

Treat others how you want be treated. So learn to pick ourselves up. No one is there to do that for us.

What else? Well, read read read read! There is not negative side on working hard. It always pays.

Be respectful to others.

Attitude i feel is so important. Do our best. No short cuts. Dont be lazy. Dont do funny business. When dont know say we dont know. Honest is best. Be sincere.Always double check. No excuse to be careless. Organise! and most important, always believe in yourself. You can do it! We have the tools capabilities. God did not give us tasks that we cannot manage. Learn how to manage it.

I think that's all for this third day in Dermatology Deparment.

Fourth day! Wish me luck! To those in other departments, especially the tough ones, you are truly amazing!and should have a pat on the back for managed to go through that. May that motivate me to be better then. all the best to everyone. take everything positively . and most importantly have fun!

Soon, most of us will enter our uni clinical life. How i feel? Quite scared! Fear of people who land on my hands. My responsibilities. Do i know enough? Actually shouldn't say like that. Do I know anything? I won't say anything. That would just scare my future patients. ( Saying this also scares patients) Sorry, I will prepare myself and try my best!

Meanwhile,

Putting Koas aside. What else is happening?

*silence*

polonia airport!

testing this new blog app thing.hmm.wonder does it work or not?

polonia airport!

going back!!!!away from craziness!hopefully when i go back..im sane again!:D

I just want to go home!

I drafted my letter already. The only thing missing is the letter head. I don't have it. Don't know who has it. I think I need this. Just want to go home and start new life in Malaysia. I don't wish to do any harm to anyone or mean to hurt anyone here. But, i did. Unintentionally. What to do right? Learn from mistakes. Made me realise, I am not nobody. I will try to move on from this. and all I want is a new beginning. can I have that? At least I can make the people who really think I am important to them happy. With this, I bid this place farewell. I don't care about the hostel money. That's fine. KEEP IT. Wish the money goes to some charity rather than that thing. Bluek. But what to do.This is the end?I guess so. Had fun here. When it was good. it was great. Those are the past. HAve to face the facts. Move on. Forget. and yes, I hope God forgives me for talking agaisnt the bible. I didn't mean that. Was angry. I don't know why angry people say stupid things. I think, when we're angry we should just shut our mouths. WIth that we don't regret saying anything!Anyway, i still believe those words. Because something as beautiful as "that" indeed can be as destructive. I am just unlucky to land on the destructive side of that. I do agree it is kind and ever forgiving. Yes, makes people go blind. Makes you have a heart i guess. But having a heart gives someone the power to destroy you. To make myself content for now is knowing that, I did do my best. My friend mentioned something about being hurt. And because of hurt, you get sad. Indeed. I feel rather....er..what's the word don't know the word..annnoyed?i think dissapointed.....I had been screamed at. Shut the door on my face. Yes, did hit me. Told to my face I was nothing. Had to cry and beg for forgiveness and got ignored. etc.and I was still your friend. I am very sad. I feel, my friend so important to me and I tried so very hard to be a good friend but still said I didn't care. (twice i think). then Maybe it's my fault. I am simply not a good friend. I deleted my fb. What's the point right.. :( I do feel I am all alone now. I still have my family. Though they are miles away. But, I know they always be there for me no matter what. And the quotation you gave?i don't understand why or the relevance in that. I hope I can still be a good friend. But that quotation teaches me, if you really care about that friend of yours. You just let that friend go. indeed. I don't wish to hurt anyone.I am sorry.and goodbye.

It’s been ages since I have written anything. As usual, occasionally I feel the urge to write something, yet, words don’t seem to come out. My brain is a mess. A clutter. Perhaps it’s because my life is a clutter. I have no idea what I am doing. I know it is too late to turn back things. I wished I hadn’t done some things. And some decisions. But I can’t do anything. I should think what I can do. I want things to change. I don’t want this. I wish I know what the right decision is. I feel I am wasting myself . I think I deserve more no? I don’t really know how I feel now. Seriously. But I feel some sort of PAIN. I don’t know why. I wish to scream. But what am I screaming for? I think I am afraid what’s the real problem until my brain made it unknown. I am in denial.

I feel really stuck. I wish everything would be simpler. But how to make it simpler? It’s almost end of april. I haven’t made my decision yet. My kti isn’t done. And…middle of 2011…I still feel lost. I feel so sorry for myself how I can downgrade myself like this. Have I no value?Maybe… -- Don’t ask. I don’t know what to say. I surrender. I know nothing already. I don’t know what’s wrong. Or right. What more what to do. I don’t understand why I feel still so disappointed. Why? Why I still feel the pain and trauma from that? Why am I so scared? I wish to be braver. And perhaps luckier. I can’t ask for redemption. I know, life isn’t fair. Just wish it would. One day maybe I would understand the reason of all these?No idea. I hope so. I cannot watch love stories without feeling something inside me is breaking or listen to a love song. funny. I feel emotional inside.

I should concentrate on better things. Study. And KTI. my only thought should be that. *nah* for the one who messed me up like this. I hope this mental scar isn't permanent. I dont know what to believe anymore. I still feel very afraid to depend on anyone or believe anyone. Because I cannot face that again. Be strong right? One day , I will find my way.......till then. DONT WORRY BE HAPPY