Sunday, November 03, 2013
I have tried my all. It is very painful. I want to be happy again. Forgetting how it felt to be happy. But I don't know where to start. Do not tell me i havent done my best. I have done my all, draining my soul to fix this. But i cant force things that are not meant to be. I have to just accept. How can i trust you again? You promised not to repeat history and make me sad. But.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Sunday, May 01, 2011
I drafted my letter already. The only thing missing is the letter head. I don't have it. Don't know who has it. I think I need this. Just want to go home and start new life in Malaysia. I don't wish to do any harm to anyone or mean to hurt anyone here. But, i did. Unintentionally. What to do right? Learn from mistakes. Made me realise, I am not nobody. I will try to move on from this. and all I want is a new beginning. can I have that? At least I can make the people who really think I am important to them happy. With this, I bid this place farewell. I don't care about the hostel money. That's fine. KEEP IT. Wish the money goes to some charity rather than that thing. Bluek. But what to do.This is the end?I guess so. Had fun here. When it was good. it was great. Those are the past. HAve to face the facts. Move on. Forget. and yes, I hope God forgives me for talking agaisnt the bible. I didn't mean that. Was angry. I don't know why angry people say stupid things. I think, when we're angry we should just shut our mouths. WIth that we don't regret saying anything!Anyway, i still believe those words. Because something as beautiful as "that" indeed can be as destructive. I am just unlucky to land on the destructive side of that. I do agree it is kind and ever forgiving. Yes, makes people go blind. Makes you have a heart i guess. But having a heart gives someone the power to destroy you. To make myself content for now is knowing that, I did do my best. My friend mentioned something about being hurt. And because of hurt, you get sad. Indeed. I feel rather....er..what's the word don't know the word..annnoyed?i think dissapointed.....I had been screamed at. Shut the door on my face. Yes, did hit me. Told to my face I was nothing. Had to cry and beg for forgiveness and got ignored. etc.and I was still your friend. I am very sad. I feel, my friend so important to me and I tried so very hard to be a good friend but still said I didn't care. (twice i think). then Maybe it's my fault. I am simply not a good friend. I deleted my fb. What's the point right.. :( I do feel I am all alone now. I still have my family. Though they are miles away. But, I know they always be there for me no matter what. And the quotation you gave?i don't understand why or the relevance in that. I hope I can still be a good friend. But that quotation teaches me, if you really care about that friend of yours. You just let that friend go. indeed. I don't wish to hurt anyone.I am sorry.and goodbye.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
It’s been ages since I have written anything. As usual, occasionally I feel the urge to write something, yet, words don’t seem to come out. My brain is a mess. A clutter. Perhaps it’s because my life is a clutter. I have no idea what I am doing. I know it is too late to turn back things. I wished I hadn’t done some things. And some decisions. But I can’t do anything. I should think what I can do. I want things to change. I don’t want this. I wish I know what the right decision is. I feel I am wasting myself . I think I deserve more no? I don’t really know how I feel now. Seriously. But I feel some sort of PAIN. I don’t know why. I wish to scream. But what am I screaming for? I think I am afraid what’s the real problem until my brain made it unknown. I am in denial.
I feel really stuck. I wish everything would be simpler. But how to make it simpler? It’s almost end of april. I haven’t made my decision yet. My kti isn’t done. And…middle of 2011…I still feel lost. I feel so sorry for myself how I can downgrade myself like this. Have I no value?Maybe… -- Don’t ask. I don’t know what to say. I surrender. I know nothing already. I don’t know what’s wrong. Or right. What more what to do. I don’t understand why I feel still so disappointed. Why? Why I still feel the pain and trauma from that? Why am I so scared? I wish to be braver. And perhaps luckier. I can’t ask for redemption. I know, life isn’t fair. Just wish it would. One day maybe I would understand the reason of all these?No idea. I hope so. I cannot watch love stories without feeling something inside me is breaking or listen to a love song. funny. I feel emotional inside.
I should concentrate on better things. Study. And KTI. my only thought should be that. *nah* for the one who messed me up like this. I hope this mental scar isn't permanent. I dont know what to believe anymore. I still feel very afraid to depend on anyone or believe anyone. Because I cannot face that again. Be strong right? One day , I will find my way.......till then. DONT WORRY BE HAPPY