It’s been ages since I have written anything. As usual, occasionally I feel the urge to write something, yet, words don’t seem to come out. My brain is a mess. A clutter. Perhaps it’s because my life is a clutter. I have no idea what I am doing. I know it is too late to turn back things. I wished I hadn’t done some things. And some decisions. But I can’t do anything. I should think what I can do. I want things to change. I don’t want this. I wish I know what the right decision is. I feel I am wasting myself . I think I deserve more no? I don’t really know how I feel now. Seriously. But I feel some sort of PAIN. I don’t know why. I wish to scream. But what am I screaming for? I think I am afraid what’s the real problem until my brain made it unknown. I am in denial.

I feel really stuck. I wish everything would be simpler. But how to make it simpler? It’s almost end of april. I haven’t made my decision yet. My kti isn’t done. And…middle of 2011…I still feel lost. I feel so sorry for myself how I can downgrade myself like this. Have I no value?Maybe… -- Don’t ask. I don’t know what to say. I surrender. I know nothing already. I don’t know what’s wrong. Or right. What more what to do. I don’t understand why I feel still so disappointed. Why? Why I still feel the pain and trauma from that? Why am I so scared? I wish to be braver. And perhaps luckier. I can’t ask for redemption. I know, life isn’t fair. Just wish it would. One day maybe I would understand the reason of all these?No idea. I hope so. I cannot watch love stories without feeling something inside me is breaking or listen to a love song. funny. I feel emotional inside.

I should concentrate on better things. Study. And KTI. my only thought should be that. *nah* for the one who messed me up like this. I hope this mental scar isn't permanent. I dont know what to believe anymore. I still feel very afraid to depend on anyone or believe anyone. Because I cannot face that again. Be strong right? One day , I will find my way.......till then. DONT WORRY BE HAPPY